Dear friends and lovers,
I was talking lately to one of my coaching course sisters about her no to penetrative sex and how she felt pressure in her relationship although her man is really loving and supportive.
I told her my story about transforming my no to penetration into a wholehearted YES.
I thought I share this with you guys here – maybe one of you is going through such a phase right nor or have their lover going through it.
My feelings about sexuality before I started with Tantra
So first you should know about the impact my abuse history had on my relation to sexuality. It left me with a strong sense of „When I say no to what another person wants from me sexually it could lead to something way worse.“
Basically saying no to something sexual was linked to the fear of being killed.
When I started to engage into chosen sexual encounters, this link in my brain and psyche brought me to always saying yes when someone approached me sexually. Often I even offered it in anticipatory obedience. I felt what the other one wanted and offered it so I don´t risk that it will be taken from me against my will.
At that time all of this was running totally subconscious and hidden from myself in the shadows.
I thought it would have been always my free will to agree on or offer sexual interaction.
How the change began
When I started with Tantra and giving tantric massages in 2013 I was engaging fully into the idea of not climaxing to not lose my precious life energy. I was always loving edging (getting close to orgasm and then stopping and starting again) since I can remember and already unconsciously used my sexual energy to elevate my spirit.
So I decided to not climax and instead training myself on how to have full body energy orgasms.
In the first half year I increased my ability to resist the reflex to physically climax more and more and learned how to energetically come.
I felt that this kind of orgasm fullfills me way more
That was about the time when I started saying no to penetration.
I was single at that time, seeing multiple people but without putting a label on these relationships for the first time of my life.
With these new lovers and my hightened sensitivity to my body that came through my tantric practises I found the courage to say no to intercourse.
I spoke with them about my desire to explore things outside of penetration to explore unexplored areas and feelings.
Surprisingly I found quite a few people that were up for this adventure than I thought.
I battled and finally overcame my fear of being killed or forced, slowly slowly integrating safety back into my system.
What 1.5 years without intercourse taught me
I sticked to my self given rule of no penetration for about 1.5 years. It was actually the best time I ever had sexually.
I understood that the urge to have sex in the past often did not come from my true self – but the openness to play and exploring each others bodies, what led to penetration because of my inability of saying no, did!
So I honored my true desire of play, petting, cuddling and sensuality and got to know myself and my body so thoroughly while teaching men how to start focusing on the whole body instead of only the genitals.
Unknowingly my career as a teacher and guide began at that time.
When seasons changed
So I stayed happily for about 1.5 years without penetration and almost without physical orgasm.
Until one beautiful day this one beautiful person came into my life and into my bedroom.
We were seeing each other for a couple of weeks already before that first day of my new relationship to penetration.
We were making out in the most beautiful, full bodied, sensual way until suddenly my body started to YEARN for penetration…!
I was really confused at first and tried to ignore it – but it got stronger and stronger, expanding from my pussy and my mind into my whole body.
I was breathing this longing in deeply to channel it up like I am used to do it to reach energetical orgasms but it really didn´t work.
The itching in my pussy didn´t go away.
Almost a little shy I said „I really think I want to feel you inside me today.“
He was as confused as I was because he knew about my chosen abstinence and it was never an issue between us. He was not pushing me at all.
So he asked „Really?!“
This was the moment when the strongest FULL BODY YES exploded inside of me. I felt this rush of fire through my whole body and soul and pulled him closer, looking firmly into his eyes and said „YES!“
The rest I leave up to your phantasy 🙂
How my new relationship to penetration unfolded
With this man I learned in the following months that only because I said yes once it doesn´t mean I need to always say it again.
So I learned to listen to my body and my pussy and I learned how a true yes and a true no feels inside me.
This was one of the most powerful, healing, liberating and empowering things to learn for me sexually.
So to answer the question from the headline:
I shifted my relationship to penetration from unconscious yes to full body yes by fully honoring the NO as long as it needed to be honored to heal.
This is the tip I gave my fellow student and that I love to give to everybody who is facing an inner no to penetration.
Man or woman both can experience such a phase for a variety of reasons.
Love it, honor it, listen to your body and enjoy all there is to discover when you shift your focus away from penetration.
This is what worked for me and, as always, you gotta find out if it works for you as well.
I want to end with expressing my gratitude towards the men supporting me on my healing journey. The meb who always honored my no. The men who lovingly held me through prossesing my fear of death when I first started to say no.
All my love and my great respect goes out to these men
I have a wish to you
I am really curious:
Did you ever experienced a no to penetration?
Do you consciously feel and honor your yes´s and your no´s?
Can you relate somehow to not honoring it? If so, why and what did you learn and get out of me sharing my story?
Leave me a comment and don´t forget to share this article with your friends and your network!
You never know if a friend is suffering in silence and could benefit from this article because he or she is going through such feelings and is just too ashamed to speak about it.
Please share the article and let us together take a stand for honoring our yes and no – in bed and in life!
I am here to support and inspire with my story like I have found deep inspuration and hope in the stories of others.
Please support me in my mission to end the silence around sexual shame, fear, guilt and trauma!
Lots of love
~ Lucya Lalita ~