Three days ago at a business mindset conference I had a talk with this twentysomething boy about what I do for a living…
Yes, VERY amusing to see his emotions switching between disbelief, wonder, interest, shyness, and giggle – playing cool trying to appear mature around the topic of sexuality and as if he knows at least something about conscious sexuality and what the hell I am talking about.
As an empath its pretty easy for me to read people and after three seconds I knew that he basically knew nothing.
Nothing wrong with that at all. We are all learning and started at some point. And he still has a lot of time to learn, right?
What really shocked me was to see kinda the same reactions in a fifty something, really seriously looking business man at the same conference.
Only to find myself a few hours later in a deeply intimate conversation about the beauty of just holding each other and breathing with a sweet, really open and curious young man (at the same conference – on these mindset business events you get asked ALL THE TIME what you do for a living. I love this chance to expand peoples minds 🙂 )
This series of incidents showed me once again that age really doesn´t matter in the realms of conscious sexuality.
During my cuddle therapy session I was briefly thinking about these conversations and the word sexual maturity came up for me.
Perfect topic for this blog – so let´s hit it.
If age doesn´t tell if a person is sexually mature or not, what does?
Let´s first look at the signs of sexual immaturity and go from there.
1. No clue about what conscious sexuality is
2. No experiences with it
3. Sex both interests and creates a feeling of discomfort
4. Shame to talk or even THINK about sex
5. Strong beliefs what the „right“ sexuality is (eg. monogamous, hetero) and not willing to question the belief of right and wrong regarding sexuality
6. Sadness around sex
7. Fear around sex
8. Unresolved trauma
9. Makes fun about the topic
10. Orgasm as the ultimate goal of sexuality
These signs of sexual immaturity I found over and over again in both men and women in different varieties and these symptoms tend to come in hords – so its very likely that when you have one you are having others as well and they are affecting each other.
None of these signs necesarily means that this person is a bad lover. They can be excellent lovers for a partner who really wants to experience sexuality inside the norms (although I believe that people just don´t know what they are missing out on so they make this decision out of a lack of choice and not consciously most of the times).
But if you are looking for sexuality as an opportunity to personally grow and create a deeply intimate bond I would watch out for these signs and prepare for either being a teacher, how I have been the first year for my beloved husband, or to look somewhere else.
If you found yourself in one or two points of the list: GREAT!
It means you now have the first and most important thing to make a change: you are AWARE of it. Without awareness you cannot change a thing because – well – you are not aware that there is something more to learn.
You can thank me later 🙂
Now you are aware of it you can start to look for resources that help you broaden your view on sexuality – or you can decide against it and stay where you are if you like it there. But at least you are making a conscious choice.
How to grow up sexually?
If you decide you want to learn some new stuff and unlearn some of your education around sexuality, I have the perfect course for you to start. It tells you exactly how to start – no matter where you are now.
You can thank me later 🙂
What does it mean to be sexually mature?
This article is not meant to shame anyone or indicate that there is only one right way to go sexually.
For me to be sexually mature only means that you feel comfortable thinking and speaking about sexuality and that you have some level of openness to grow in this area. Plus it means you are respectful of other peoples sexual choices wether they be something for you or not.
So let´s review our 10 points and see what we can do to sexually grow up and become more mature and at ease with the topic of sexuality.
1. You have no clue what conscious sexuality actually means
In reverse that means you basically only know about sexuality the way the media, porn and standard sex ed taught you.
I would recommend to start educating yourself first intellectually. Start with The Xtatic Manifesto and then register for my 10 part Email course here. It´s the perfect start to broadern your view in this area!
2. You have no experience with Conscious Sexuality
Start experimenting and playing with the ideas and tools from the course. Do it first with yourself to get some idea of how it works and then go and intruige your partner into it or find someone to play with. We will talk about conscious dating sometime soon.
Make sure you are going about the course with a playful attitude and not with the one of „the good student“ who wants to get everything „right“.
3. + 4. You feel uncomfortable to talk or even think about sex
First of all: That´s totally normal! It was a loooooooong time a serious taboo in our society to talk about sexuality. Everybody did it, nobody spoke about it. Religion did a real great job here.
Try this: Do the first exercise from the first lecture of the course and then find somebody to talk about it with. This can be your partner or a trusted friend or even a pet, a tree or the moon and the stars. It doesn´t matter. What matters is that you get out of your comfort zone and speak about it.
Part two of the course teaches you a really amazing tool on how to best speak with your partner but you can apply this to speaking with a friend as well.
When you start training your confidence muscle to deal with uncomfortable emotions it will grow stronger and you can follow your curiosity.
Following ones own curiosity is a very important part of becoming sexually mature.
If you absolutely do not find someone you are comfortable with, you can write me via the contact form. Seriously – there is nothing you could ever shock me with and I would be honored to be of service for your training!
5. Strong beliefs about what the „right“ kind of sexuality is
To unstuck yourself and broaden your ideas of how sex can be beautiful in all its varieties is super important. Life and let life!
Shaming others in thoughts or words for how they enjoy their sexuality is really just a sign that there is still some shame around your own sexuality.
That´s totally fine – but I would really recommend working with your own shame than with those of others.
As long as they do what they do in consent it´s really none of your business – just as it´s none of their business what you do and like.
Start loving and accepting your own sexual kinks, weirdnesses and „naughty“ phantasies and you will have a much easier time accepting those of others.
6. 7. 8. Sadness, fear or unresolved trauma around sexuality
When the topic of sex makes you feel sad it often comes from either an unresolved trauma or that sex for you is something that feels out of reach.
You might feel dependent on others to find you and give you pleasure because you are not able to give it to yourself and/or too shy to go for what you want sexually and find someone to play with. The cure to this is to take your life and your pleasure into your own two hands (what a tacky joke…) and learn how to consciously give yourself the pleasure you are longing for and/or how to overcome your shyness and start dating.
Why is fear and trauma immature, you might wonder.
It isn´t – but it surely is not serving you either.
You want to make sure to start dealing with it as soon as possible so that your past is no longer dictating your future!
Integrating sexual trauma is one of my main domains of expertise because I am dealing with it since about 15 years myself. So I know how hard or even impossible it seems to integrate trauma.
But I do know as well from my own experience that it definitely IS possible!
I am about to write an article series around trauma and how to integrate it to free yourself from the past as well as how I managed to integrate my severe childhood abuse trauma.
I really feel the calling to write about it as openly as I can because I know how much it helped me to find people who spoke about overcoming their traumas so it made me feel less alone and that it really IS possible to free myself from this legacy.
I really hope it helps you feel less alone, too, when I speak about it.
Fear, shame, guilt and trauma are the main blockages to your full ecstatic potential and to truly feeling alive so I will adress them over and over again and the course really helps with that as well.
To stay updated about these articles and to receive the free course you can register yourself here
9. Making fun of the topic or giving suggestive looks
I guess this is what is the most expected sign of being sexually immature.
Making immature jokes, gestures or comments is nothing but a sign of obvious discomfort and insecurity somebody tries to cover up by playing cool and funny.
I can see through this BS and – sorry to say – I catch you lying. More to yourself than to me.
This kind of behaviour is mostly a mans way of dealing with discomfort whereas women rather tend to switch topics or try to push away the uncomfortable feelings.
If you recognise yourself here I want to assure you that I love you and that I don´t mean to hurt you by using a clear language. My aim is to push through your wall of playing cool and reach out to your core where your discomfort sits. A little confused boy, not knowing how to deal with a sexually mature and self-confident woman.
I gotta be honest with you. That´s what real friends and good coaches do. But it´s only an invitation to look deep within and find your true self.
I really believe that we can help each other heal and grow and that we best can be of service by pointing out the blind spots for each other.
I witness your discomfort and insecurity with all my compassion. I really understand that it is there inside of you and I wholeheartedly invite you to turn around and look the demon in the eye instead of protecting yourself with coolness.
When you shed the layers of your discomfort and shame (part one of the course) you don´t need to hide your curiosity behind suggestive gestures like raising your eyebrows and joking. You can just express it freely.
This makes it so much more fun to interact with you and as well so much more likely to find someone to share interesting experiences with in the real world.
10. Seeing orgasms as the highest goal of sex
When I talk about how not going the direct way to climax is extremely beneficial in a lot of ways, two out of my three conversation partners at the conference acted as if I told them never to have an orgasm again.
It felt like taking a lollipop away from a child.
Seriously – if only you would know what more is possible by trying out a more full body approach to sexuality! You probably still would want a „real“ orgasm from time to time but you surely wouldn´t see it as the highest goal of a sexual encounter anymore.
I talk excessively about the benefits and the how to´s of extending the time before climaxing in the lectures 4, 5 and 6 of my email course (you can register here).
These were the 10 signs of sexual immaturity I identified during my conversations at the conference and what to do when you caught yourself resonating with the one or the other sign.
Again: I am not talking down anyone by saying this person is sexually immature. I just really feel its time for all of us to grow up sexually and to access the power of sexual energy for our lifes mission.
~ Lucya Lalita ~
Ps: Yeah, I know. I often refer to my course in this article but if I would write all the information in here again this article would be just way too long to read. I am quite certain you will enjoy getting the course and receive all the information in a very detailled and accesible way.
I found it so funny that I have just finished writing this course a couple of days before the conference and could already make such good use of it by sharing it with all the people who were interested about the topic of conscious sexuality. And if they were honest about it or not – they all were interested 🙂
And now, of course, I am dying to share it with you, too!